i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
