sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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