You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I want her autograph on my taint
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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