sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
