Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
