my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
