Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Randomize
