im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Randomize
