I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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