I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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