I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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