weddingsv make me drug and hornr
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
