My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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