this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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