I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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