Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize