I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
