I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
