guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
