Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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