Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Randomize
