I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
