I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
