I smell stomach acid.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
