i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
