she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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