I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
