Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
