I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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