Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
