Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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