I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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