I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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