I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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