Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
