They should really pass out barf bags in church
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
