we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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