I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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