you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
