I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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