I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
