I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I came so hard my ears popped.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
