I accidentally had phone sex last night
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
