I'm going to jail i love you
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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