i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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