Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
