I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
