She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
We just shotgunned beers for America
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
