Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
how do you play pong handcuffed?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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