She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
