OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
