Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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