I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
