He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
