I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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