Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize