can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
