Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
