M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You've changed since you got that strap on
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
