Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
