this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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