I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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